my heart's your pin cushion.

WHUSSUP

You know you're lovin it.

It's weird. I found myself in front of Hwa Chong International. Pretty damn weird why my legs brought me there. I would wait for her to come out almost every Wednesday, we would take a bus to any random mall and window-shop, occasionally giving in to our heart's desires and splurging on random stuff like Muscle Cream. Yes we really bought it.

All I could do was to get the hell out of there before anyone could call the guards for trespassing. I took a long, long walk. I sat down at a bus-stop and just stayed there. Thinking. From where I was, I could pretty much see everything. The world. Well, not really, but that's what it felt like. So much sky, so many buildings. Thousands of windows, a million lights. Life going on everywhere.

When you're watching someone, it feels as if you and him were the only people in the world. No matter how far apart you are.

I looked at the road in front of me. How long would it take for me to run out and get hit? Five seconds? I remember the old story, that if you dream you're falling and you hit the ground in the dream, you're dead.

I had that dream once. I decided to hit the ground.

Woke up fine anyway.

I found myself thinking of atomic bombs. They said that Little Boy looked like a garbage can with fins on it. She told me that the whole point of modern weapons were that you don't have to see the people you kill. That they can be a million miles away and die as soon as you press a button. That is plain scary. Someone so far away from you could be so dangerous.

But what freaks me out is that bombs aren't so huge anymore. Now they come in suitcases, briefcases. You could walk past someone in the street and see them with a backpack and you think, "Okay, the world is gonna end right now" Paranoid huh?

Enough of death talk. It's been a while since I called her. Ever since the fight we maintained radio-silence. Well, mainly because she went to America without telling me. I forgot how scary it would be to call up one of your best friends when you're in the middle of a fight. You dial her number, and all of a sudden she picks up and you're like "Okay.. what do I say now?"

It's funny how you can go along thinking everything's fine, it's just life throwing a mood and it's not big deal. And then something happens and you realize it isn't life after all.

At some point we know it's time. The moment you realize you actually can't stay battling with your friend forever and you have to get away from her, away from it all.

And that's when you know you might as well go.
Because thinking about it only makes it worse.

When she comes back, I wanna ask her:"What do you do when things change and it sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it? What do you do when you miss someone?"

I have a feeling she would know the answer.

To be honest, the only time I acted like my real self is online, and around her. We would act like we're part of the UES and go around ION 'ooh-ing' and 'aah-ing' at overpriced items, even though we could afford it. We would act like a pair of bitches and randomly pick someone to glare at for the rest of the MRT ride. but what i missed most was how she would always spare time to listen about me and my ramblings about Jay. It's a pretty daunting task.

And now, I'm all alone.