my heart's your pin cushion.

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WHUSSUP

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LAYOUT © dorkistic
IMAGES © asianfanatics
HOST © blogger

November 24, 2009@3:43 PM

Sheltering You From Rain

Epiphany.
Enigmatic.

until my heart forgets to remember you.

The indelible you.
The smiling you.

Forever.

I got this from CHIA:

"Some people think holding on to people & things makes you strong.. but very often it's letting go that strengthens you"

So why am I listening to Gee?

Labels: letting go

November 20, 2009@3:29 PM

Got You Back

It's weird. I found myself in front of Hwa Chong International. Pretty damn weird why my legs brought me there. I would wait for her to come out almost every Wednesday, we would take a bus to any random mall and window-shop, occasionally giving in to our heart's desires and splurging on random stuff like Muscle Cream. Yes we really bought it.

All I could do was to get the hell out of there before anyone could call the guards for trespassing. I took a long, long walk. I sat down at a bus-stop and just stayed there. Thinking. From where I was, I could pretty much see everything. The world. Well, not really, but that's what it felt like. So much sky, so many buildings. Thousands of windows, a million lights. Life going on everywhere.

When you're watching someone, it feels as if you and him were the only people in the world. No matter how far apart you are.

I looked at the road in front of me. How long would it take for me to run out and get hit? Five seconds? I remember the old story, that if you dream you're falling and you hit the ground in the dream, you're dead.

I had that dream once. I decided to hit the ground.

Woke up fine anyway.

I found myself thinking of atomic bombs. They said that Little Boy looked like a garbage can with fins on it. She told me that the whole point of modern weapons were that you don't have to see the people you kill. That they can be a million miles away and die as soon as you press a button. That is plain scary. Someone so far away from you could be so dangerous.

But what freaks me out is that bombs aren't so huge anymore. Now they come in suitcases, briefcases. You could walk past someone in the street and see them with a backpack and you think, "Okay, the world is gonna end right now" Paranoid huh?

Enough of death talk. It's been a while since I called her. Ever since the fight we maintained radio-silence. Well, mainly because she went to America without telling me. I forgot how scary it would be to call up one of your best friends when you're in the middle of a fight. You dial her number, and all of a sudden she picks up and you're like "Okay.. what do I say now?"

It's funny how you can go along thinking everything's fine, it's just life throwing a mood and it's not big deal. And then something happens and you realize it isn't life after all.

At some point we know it's time. The moment you realize you actually can't stay battling with your friend forever and you have to get away from her, away from it all.

And that's when you know you might as well go.
Because thinking about it only makes it worse.

When she comes back, I wanna ask her:"What do you do when things change and it sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it? What do you do when you miss someone?"

I have a feeling she would know the answer.

To be honest, the only time I acted like my real self is online, and around her. We would act like we're part of the UES and go around ION 'ooh-ing' and 'aah-ing' at overpriced items, even though we could afford it. We would act like a pair of bitches and randomly pick someone to glare at for the rest of the MRT ride. but what i missed most was how she would always spare time to listen about me and my ramblings about Jay. It's a pretty daunting task.

And now, I'm all alone.

November 12, 2009@5:35 PM

What You Mean To Me

You and me made lots of memories, you and them too
But some things can't last forever
But I'll hold them inside
I won't let them go
No never

So I'm writing you a letter to catch you up on what you've missed
Won't leave out any detail 'cus I want you to know the best
And I'll sign it with a heart or maybe two
An X an O a way to show how much that I have really missed you
And I'll draw a picture with my box of color pens
A giant wave of water with seven people holding hands
And at the bottom in too small of print to read
I'll tell you just how much
You really mean to me

Oh a lot has gone on since you left
But I'm still going strong
But it's harder without you
Baby I need you just for a little while

Won't you write me a letter so I can catch up on what I've missed
Don't leave out any detail 'cus I want to know the best

And sign it with a heart or maybe two
An X an O a way to show
That you have really missed us too
And draw a picture with your box of color pens
It doesn't matter what it is no
Just show me that you care
And at the bottom in too small of print to read
I hope that you can tell us that we mean as much to you
As you mean to me
-kudos to fellow chinggu for co-writing the song with me [she's in US now LOL]

Labels: credits to Lilian babe

November 11, 2009@3:55 PM

It Happened In September.

I was sitting beside the toilet bowl just now. Not that I had a choice. It was just in case I felt the urge to puke again. It was a lie when I told my parents I puked because the food was weird. I forced myself to. I have no idea why. I thought I overcame this symptom two years ago, but old habits die hard I suppose.

As disgusting as this seems, its true. I was wiping my eyes, you know, when you vomit tears come out. But then I realized I was crying. Positively bawling. I don't know why, it was as if all the memories of the happy times come rushing back. I mean, yeah, I have more happy times now. But I missed the times when I wake up each day looking forward to a new episode of Wild Bunny.

But the truth is that he's gone isn't it...

I would do anything, ANYTHING to see those pink boxers again.
I would do anything, ANYTHING to see his diamond studs again.
I would do anything, ANYTHING to see him asking 'What time is it?' again.

Goodness me, your princess is crying.

I never said Goodbye to him. Not yet. And I'm not going to. I know I'm living in denial, but that's just the best way for me to live on. I know I'm never going to sleep at peace every night, I know things are never going to be the same anymore.

Yet here I am, contradicting myself. I clutching at every single strand of memory there is of him. No one can match up to him, leader of the Wild Bunny force. I tell myself each and every day, "He will come back, I'm sure he will" but hell, no matter how many times I say those words, I know they won't happen. Not in a long run anyway.

Its hard loving him. Its hard forgetting him too.My friends tease and taunt him about me, his fans include me in all their conversations about him. Either way, he can't get out of my life. Never.

I don't have a closing statement to this post, for once. So let's just end with this.

What time is it now? I said, what time is it now?

November 5, 2009@5:30 PM

Preview

Preview of my re-edited Stay Together lyrics.

Stay Together
You told me that you’re gonna do it like its your last time
I thought that you would go on till this world ends, baby
Hatred follows your each and every footstep
Still whatever you do you cant run away, oh no
But I guess that hate was way too much for you to take so
When you left all I could say to you was to please just go

Damn if I could I would have just stopped you
Those tears gathering in your eyes
If I could I would have got to you,
Maybe stopped you from going
Make you come back here, right by my side

[CHORUS]
I just want you to know
That I love you so much and
It still scares me when I look in your eyes
I just figured out that I can never live without you
So are you going to leave me and just gonna let this go?

You told me it was goodbye
Promise me you will remember
We got to stay together
Kuhz I know that I cant let you go
My heart is breaking
I love you forever
You told me it was goodbye
Promise me you will remember
We got to stay together
Kuhz I know that I will always wait for you

Just stop where you are
I’m sure you know that right?
-------------------------------------
Sucks ass. Hmm.

Been real.

Labels: credits to YG

Perfect .

Great. This is just fucking great. Yeah, sure, I don't mind the auto-tuning.. but cutting his face out of the album? You might as well stab my heart with the sharpest dagger in the world. I don't know what to do anymore. After all we've done, you decided to be cruel, heartless, or maybe that's just the way you were born, and you ignored the fact that YOU yourself has said that he was still under the group. And see, you double-faced liar, you sure have a twisted tongue. I give you a standing ovation, for being the most manipulative bitch I've ever known.

This is just too surreal for me. There is so much a fourteen year-old girl could take. Hell, I'm already missing trainings, all three types, due to my leg. Then, I'm freaking going away. And now.. daebak. Truly, daebak.

Only a few nights ago, I actually had a real dream about him. He was wearing his Again & Again outfit, the one in orange and black. I don't know, maybe it was during Halloween. He was on stage. But before the performance started, his hair was like the one he had in Seattle. Close-cropped and stuff. Before he started to perform, he put on this wig, the wig that was exactly like his hair in his normal 2PM days. I don't know, somehow, I felt that this dream had an underlying message.

I can honestly tell you, that I set the website as my homepage. When I switched on my PC, the time was ticking, it was approaching. I was apprehensive. What if, when the time stopped, something bad was going to happen? Oh boy, it did. It sure did.

So Mr. JYP, I would truly like to thank you for being you. Because, oh well, its not like you can help it anyway.

been real.

K bye.

Labels: die now, dont come back